NaNoWriMo

The Experimental Memoir Day 20 - Chores

It is a nice Sunday afternoon and I am sitting quietly at home in my office. I am surrounded by a collection of old computers in various states of disrepair. The oldest is probably about fifteen years old. It is running an old version of Microsoft Windows that is no longer supported. It doesn’t have a lot of memory, and the cover is off from the number of times I’ve taken it apart to tinker with one thing or another that is broken.

I’ve been using this as my primary email machine for many years, and I’ve spent much of the weekend cleaning out enough old emails and moving the ones I want to save to appropriate archives so that I could catch up on some of my other emails. Currently, there are about 23,000 unread emails on that machine. On one of my cellphones I check a couple webmail accounts, where I have about 5,500 unread emails. On a different computer, I check an old email account I don’t use that often and find about 30,000 unread emails there. With the exception of the last account, I’ve more or less kept on top of the emails to remove spam. A lot of the remaining emails are from various organizations, mostly political and non-profits, that are trying to get my attention for one cause or another.

Some of these emails I simply delete. Others, I save in my archives in case I ever want to refer back to them. There are thousands and thousands of additional unread emails, that I’ve determined that I want to keep in one archive or another and have been saved to special folders.

Years ago, when there was much less email, I used to save pretty much every email that I sent or received, and at one point, I sent off a large collection of these emails to a researcher at Harvard to study. I never heard the results of the study.

Kim and Fiona have set off on some adventure, mostly to give me a little space to work on all the projects that need to be dealt with. Probably second on my list is working on the Experimental Memoir. As part of NaNoWriMo, my goal is to write 50,000 words for this. Between work, travelling, speaking at a conference, trying to catch up on everything else, and stay on top of current events, I’ve now slipped to nearly a week behind.

To succeed, you need to write an average of 1,667 words a day. I am far enough behind, that I need to write over 2,500 words a day. We’ll see how much I can get written today, and how the coming week goes, but I may abandon the effort soon.

On top of this, there are plenty of daily tasks to be addressed. Yesterday, I took Fiona over to the music store. We have two old clarinets. One is a clarinet that I played when I was Fiona’s age. Some of the corks and pads have come off, and it needs a general fix up. The music store sent it off to the folks they deal with for repairs and it should be back in a couple of weeks. The other clarinet, I believe, is one that my brother got at a tag sale once. It was in a beat up musty old oboe case with a broken handle. It just didn’t fit properly and Fiona wasn’t all that excited about using it.

At the store, we bought a new case. This one is much more like the backpacks that have come to dominate the school scene and Fiona was very happy with it. We picked up some new reeds and a kit for cleaning the clarinets. We moved the old wooden clarinet into the new case and I spent some time helping Fiona get going with the clarinet.

I was pleased to see that even with an old clarinet which isn’t in the greatest shape, I could still play a little bit. Right now, Fiona is working simply on getting the clarinet to make a nice sound. Later, we’ll work on reading music and learning fingering, although she does already know a little bit about reading music.

There are various piles of dishes next to me in the office as well. I need to carry them out to the kitchen, and run a load of dishes through the dishwasher. However, right now, I can hear the washing machine in the basement spinning.

For the past two weeks, Wesley has had stitches in. Because of this, he needed to have a cone around his head and couldn’t run freely in the yard the way he likes to. Yet even with his injury, he was large and strong, and pulled on the leash when Kim would take him out to do his duty. From that, and perhaps other stresses in our lives, Kim’s back has been sore and she hasn’t been able to do the laundry. So, today, on top of everything else, I’m trying to run several loads of laundry through the washer and drier.

When I used to work from home, I did much of the laundry. On top of that, I would hang it out to dry. During the summer months, I would hang it outside. We don’t have a clothes line, but we have a lot of lawn chairs, so I would hang the clothes on various chairs. In the winter time, I would hang the clothes from a drying rack in the basement.

It would take a while for the clothes to dry, so it was hard to get more than a load done a day. However, it would be a nice break from whatever project I was working on. Between Kim’s sore back and me being gone for several days, there is a lot of laundry to be done and there just isn’t time to hang all of the clothes out to dry.

So, I select the biggest, heaviest pieces of clothing, like sweatshirts and towels and hang them up to dry. The rest I throw into the drier.

After I started another load, Kim and Fiona came home. Fiona had a couple bags from Goodwill. They are full of old stuffed animals. Kim is concerned about bringing home stuffed animals from thrift shows, out of fear of importing bedbugs, lice or other vermin into the house. So, she told Fiona to put them into the drier at a high temperature first thing. Unfortunately, the drier was already in use, so the bags have been set next to the drier and are waiting their turn.

Another big task waiting to be done is bottling cider. Currently, there are three large jugs of hard cider sitting on the dining room table. One is ready to be bottled. The other two need to be racked off and allowed to settle.

Before I left, I had ran a dishwasher full of bottles. I covered them carefully and so they are ready to be used to bottle cider. When I bottle the first batch, I will then clean the jar and then rack off cider from one jug to the next to allow them to settle. Later, I’ll do Fiona’s Radio Show with her and if I have time and energy after all of that, try to sit down again and write a little bit more.

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The Experimental Memoir Day 19

(Still catching up ... 17a)

The departure from Las Vegas was uneventful. We left the hotel at around four in the morning, which isn't really all that bad. It's seven in the morning Connecticut time. At that hour, it was easy to get a cab, check in at the airport, pass through security and get to our gate. Even that early, the airport was buy, except none of the shops were open. There were slot machines trying to capture a last bit of change from departing tourists.

Next to our gate was an oxygen bar. I've often heard of them, and thought it would be fun to try. However, the oxygen bar is not yet open. There was a recharging station and I pondered plugging my laptop in there, out of concern about having enough energy for the flight. There was free wifi, so I managed to get online briefly and check on my social media sites. I discovered a few interesting things, but there wasn't a lot going on there.

Boarding the plane was quick and uneventful. Again, it was a full flight. However, on this flight, there wasn't a young mother with an infant across the aisle from us and a corporate lawyer sat down between my boss and I. As the plane took off, there was one last glance at the strip. I checked in on Foursquare at the hotel, and one of the tips a person had left was "Whatever happens in Vegas, ends up on Facebook."

Well, other than my presentation, there wasn't much memorable that happened in Vegas on this trip. I looked out at the strip, with its fancy resorts shrinking in the distance through the oval plane window. Illusion and magic are closely linked.

No, there aren't any illusions from Vegas that I recall, and as best as I can tell, there wasn't any magic that happened either. The presentation went well and seemed to have been well received, but that is about it.

But, on the other hand, perhaps the real magic, the Velveteen Rabbit magic takes places slowly, over a long period and you never see when it is actually taking place. Perhaps the seeds of something magical was planted during the trip, maybe like the magic bean seeds that seem like a waste but lead to a great adventure. We'll see.

As the plane climbs out of Vegas, I looked to the mountains in the distance. There was a mist over them, bluish gray, with a tinge of yellow from the rising sun. Perhaps that's where the real magic happens, it the solitude of nature, of the mountains.

Thinking back to artificial neural networks, perhaps what is needed is time for the network to stabilize, for all of the overstimulation to fade away to nothingness.

This mist of the mountains is beautiful, even from the up above. Slowly, the mist disperses and the mountain come into full view. Snow appears on the peaks as we fly over the rockies. Soon, the landscape flattens out into large grids of farm land.

Next to me, the corporate lawyer is watching some chick flick as best I can tell. "Crazy, Dumb, Love". It is so different from "The Fifth Element" that the tattooed young man who sat between my boss and I on the hop from Denver to Las Vegas was watching.

My mind wanders to some anti utopian novel, I think it was Orwell's 1984, where in one scene, there is a commentary about the differences between what was provided as videos to the men and women of that novel.

Prior to heading out to Vegas, I heard an interview with Diane Keaton talking about her new memoir about her mother and herself. There was lots of discussion about the movie Annie Hall, and I can't help but think about Annie Hall and Crazy, Dumb, Love. Perhaps my recollections are dim, and I'm remembering Annie Hall as a better movie than it actually was. Perhaps I'm not giving Crazy, Dumb, Love a fair shake because I'm only glancing at images of it on a laptop next to me, without any of the sound, but it seems like night and day, as if Crazy, Dumb, Love is some formulaic knockoff attempt at Annie Hall.

When I lived in New York City, I used to get to the art house theaters, The Metro, the Thalia, Film Forum. I saw a lot of great films back then. Now, many of the art houses are gone. There chances to see really interesting movies have faded, like the end of certain early Wim Wender's films.

I saw a cartoon once where a man was running down the street proclaiming, "mediocrity is rampant". Perhaps we've settled for mediocrity. Perhaps it has become too hard to find quality.

Ah yes, quality. The word for Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Perhaps his madness made sense, like that of Van Gough, Woolfe, or Plath.

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The Experimental Memoir Day 18

(I'm still a couple days behind in posting... This is 16a)

Screened Out. After leading a panel about social media and health care, I went for a walk around Las Vegas. Baudrillard was rattling around in my mind as I took in the scene; words like simulation and illusion. Perhaps some of it comes from walking around with a magician telling me stories of various performers on the strip. I walk through Planet Hollywood, the Paris, the Cosmopolitan and others. It is also so ornate and decorated. Perhaps the illusion is for people to feel some sort of grandeur and importance that they miss in their daily lives. Perhaps the illusion is simply that it will all be alright.

Perhaps there is a different illusion, one of wealth that isn't transient. Yet the goal of many of the illusions is to make the wealth transient, to transfer the wealth from those wandering the strip to the owners of the shops and casinos. If I had been reading Hunter S. Thompson, I probably would have had a much different reaction, but Thompson wrote of a Vegas that has been torn down and rebuilt many times since.

The glamour and sex is perhaps another illusion. If you flirt the right way and wear the right clothes, perhaps you can have a physical, sensual experience full of passion and romance, and ultimately of human connection. But first, we need to airbrush away any imperfections which really just removes any chance of a true human connection.

The Paris has its replica of the Eiffel Tower. You can see parts of it surrounded by slot machines, and I wonder how many people even notice. Do they see the walls painted to be small Parisian shops? Do they even care? The Cosmopolitan is more striking with interesting lights and videos. There is one section where thousands of chains of cut glass hang like a chandelier on steroids and gone out of control. Beneath all of this is a giant show that young women pose in as their boyfriends take pictures.

We checked out a shop in the Cosmopolitan; very high end artsy sort of stuff, like a bureau made out of legos, or a pinball machine of china cats.

Later, we walked down towards the seedier part of town, past the Harley Davidson Cafe and the Travel Lodge. There are Elvis impersonators here, just like in the more upscale portion of the strip. Instead of young blond models playing the role of cops, here you see Darth Vader and the Mario Brothers.

The streets are just as crowded here, but they are littered with the cards of scantily clad women in suggestive poses that you can see at some club, or perhaps pay extra for a private show. The people in this part of town are also looking for something, but with perhaps a little less pretense. Or, really, perhaps with just a different set of pretenses. The pretense of being rich and glamourous seems unattainable, and is replaced with some other pretense, some other longing, leading back to the desire for human connection that is hidden beneath the illusions and simulations.

This is a world of brands, and it is harder to get your brand recognized when every other brand is trying so hard to be recognized. My mind goes to Pattern Recognition by William Gibson, and the heroine who is a cool seeker, allergic to brands. I don't have that allergy, but I can see where Gibson got the idea and feel a little bit of it.

Further out of town is Occupy Las Vegas. It is a bit far to walk and we don't go down there. Occupy Las Vegas seems somehow redundant. You don't need a bunch of kids camping in tents to point out the great disparities of wealth. You can see it walking from the Cosmopolitan down to the Travel Lodge; not only in the buildings and the decor, but also in the people themselves. Further down the strip, you find the more of the folks with cardboard signs and dreadlocked hair, looking like they've been occupying Las Vegas for much longer than the Occupy Wall Street Movement has been around.

I don't remember my historical periods that well, but it feels like Las Vegas is reflecting one of the many periods in history of great economic disparities. The rich play opulently and everyone else struggles to get by.

Underneath all of this feels like there is a current of everyone being on the make, in one way or another. Trying to get something from someone else. Even the free gifts are come-ons.

A major premise of this experimental memoir is to live one's life as if it were the great American Novel. These past few days don't feel so much like that. They haven't been about the written word, as much as I try to find words for them. Instead, there is much more of a popular electronic culture, as if I am caught in a song, a movie, or perhaps a video game. Everything seems to be an image, representing something else, instead of standing on its own. It feels like what Baudrillard was warning against and I wonder if there is some way of breaking through the illusions.

This gives the whole experience a touch of a science fiction feel to it. Las Vegas, as an anti-utopian paradise, where the outsider, the interloper is drawn to the illusion, but rejects it and tries to break through the illusions to make human contact. Perhaps by giving out free hugs. Online, I find a video of someone giving free hugs on the strip, and later I see a bail bondsman advertisement that also includes the line, "Free Hugs".

The altered reality of it, surreality? hyperreality? Superreality?,I'm not sure, is amplified by the different time zone. I went to bed early last night and woke up early this morning. I never sleep well when I travel, and it is worse when I cross time zones. Tomorrow, I'll wake up early and spend much of the day in flight back to Connecticut. Perhaps I'll have more energy to write, more ideas.

With the conference over, I no longer have access to the free conference WiFi. The limited internet connectivity afforded by my cell phone is enough for right now. On my phone, I check various emails and messages on different social media platforms. Somehow, the connections via social media established over a combination of radio signals between my phone and towers connecting me to the internet seem much more real, much more personal than the simulated illusions people are participating on the strip. It will be good to be back in Connecticut tomorrow.

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The Experimental Memoir Day 17

(Note: This is two sections 15b and 15c pieced together. It appears as if a little bit may have been lost, so I'll try to clean it up in edits if I ever get around to doing more with this than posting to the blog. )

The passengers on the flight are not as curious to me as the passengers on the Brooklyn Ferry were to Whitman. On the ferry, it was a jostling crowd. On the plane, everyone is seated, strapped in, and facing forward. With the turbulence, the trip has felt more like an old train ride than either a plane or ferry ride.

I've often thought about the influence people we encounter have on us. Some of my thoughts took shape when I studied artificial neural networks back in the nineties. In these networks, the information is not stored in the nodes. Instead, it is stored in the different weightings of connections between nodes. As new information because available, the weightings between nodes changes through a process of back propagation.

If human minds are in fact neural networks, similar to the artificial neural networks I worked on years ago, then our social networks are simply networks of networks; or internet works of neural networks. Do the weights of our connections in our social networks change in similar ways, with information being stored in these connections?

I was at a conference on group psychotherapy a few years ago where a speaker described the self as existing at the intersection of our internal neural networks and our external social networks. It helped further shape my thoughts.

How does our internal neural network reshape itself based on the interactions we have with others? We can think of this on simple levels of peer pressure, but are there deeper dynamics going on? If information is stored not in the nodes, but in the connections, can the connections in our internal neural networks go beyond what we ourselves know?

And how does what we read shape us? The little bits of Whitman and Wittgenstein, of Kafka and Camus, or even some current day pulp writer, how do the connections we make with them and the characters they have created shape us. How do the dead shape us? When we write, we leave the ability for a connection to be made with those to come, similar, perhaps, to the connection Whitman wrote about.

One of the ideas about media that I've thought a lot about in terms of how the internet and social media has changed things surrounds the idea of post broadcast communications. For many years, we read our books, our newspapers, listened to the radio and watched television shows. It was all one way communications. Perhaps it shaped us, but we didn't have the ability shape things back. With the move to social media, communications has become more of a conversation, and the back propagation of our neural networks can go beyond our internal neural networks.

Perhaps this takes us to an aspect of how the death of a friend affects us. Beyond the grief, we find that our ability to communicate back, to back propagate information, if you will, becomes curtailed.

From this, we go to the interaction with animals. Animals have their own minds, their own internal neural networks. When we pat an animal, when we look in its eyes, when we call it, or interact in other ways, we are connecting our neural networks with theirs.

Can, or should we take this further? What about trees? What about inanimate objects like rocks? What about when an artist arranges rocks, or paints colors on a canvas?

There is the old saying that you are what you eat. Perhaps, we could say you are what you consume. How does our media diet, the media we consume, affect us? If we thought more seriously about this, would it change who we interact with and what we read or view?

This probably won't be part of my discussion about social media in Las Vegas, but it will be in the back of my mind.

On the leg of the trip from Denver to Las Vegas, I drink Wild Turkey, neat. I flip through some of the books I have brought. I've been reading Birthday Letters by Ted Hughes. Wasn't Hughes married to Sylvia Plath? In "Visit", the words jump out at me:

"'Daddy, where's Mummy?' The freezing soil
Of the garden, as I clawed it"

I remember taking time to lick my wounds after my first marriage fell apart. They told me to take time doing something enjoyable; reading. I joked that perhaps Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath weren't intended to be part of the lectionary. My eldest daughters were young then, nine and six. I wondered how they understood the time I spent away as the divorce proceeded and as I tried to wrap my mind around it.

After reading a few of Hughes' poems, I've had enough for right now. Can I incorporate some of Hughes' style into my experimental memoirs?

I set aside Hughes, and turn to a collection of e.b. white's essays. I often tell aspiring bloggers that they should read e.b. white's essays. They are masterpieces of taking personal experiences and creating topical essays. Afternoon of an American Boy starts off talking about white's neighbor J. Parnell Thomas, "who grew up to become chairman of the House Committee on Un-American Activities". The essay doesn't' manage to grab me this afternoon and I set it aside, all the while thinking about Occupy Wall Street, and the rest of the occupy movement. I wonder what e.b. white would have to say about this.

Next on my list is a collection of Jean Baudrlllard essays entitled "Screened Out". I turn to the title essay and read. "When the receiver and the source of transmission are too close together, a feedback effect ensues…" He goes on to suggest that this strips event of their historical dimensions. Again, my mind drifts to the online feedback loops of the occupy movement.

Later, Baudrillard writes about how "machines produce only machines". He talks about the "wearisome nature of films all this violence and pornographized sexuality, which are merely special efforts of violence and sex, no longer even fantasized by humans".

Does this provide a means of thinking about Las Vegas? Next to me, a young man with about the most tattooed ink I've ever seen on a person is watching "The Fifth Element" on a MacBook Pro. Is this what Baudrillard was talking about?

I look away out the window of the plane. Below me, barren ancient red rocks, cut into strange shapes through dry river beds slowly scrolls by.

The last time I was in Vegas was in 1983. I was hitchhiking around the country. In Boulder, I found a ride to San Diego by way of Las Vegas. The person driving was going to stop and visit his mother who was at a bowling convention there. We drove through the night through the barren lands.

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The Experimental Memoir Day 16 - Flight to Vegas

It is frustrating. I am on a flight to Las Vegas for work. I had written over two thousand words and the computer crashed. I had been trying to save the documents, but it just wouldn't let me. So, I'm trying to pick up my train of thought from this morning and rewrite things. Perhaps it will be better written. On the other hand, I worry about thoughts that escape me.

Friends have suggested that I may have seasonal affective disorder. Starting around October or November, I find that I seem to become melancholy more often. There may be other factors leading to this, like old hidden memories beneath the surface of my awareness, but still affecting me. It may simply be the added challenges of the coming winters.

I find it harder to get up when it is still dark out, and even more difficult when it is chilly. Nonetheless, I dragged myself out of bed at five in the morning so that I could get ready for my flight.

The dog did not ask to go out when I got up and decided to rest a little longer. I made my oatmeal and coffee and briefly sat down at the computer to check on things. In New York, the police had raided the Occupy Wall Street encampment. The pundits were talking about the latest missteps of various Republican Presidential candidates. Friends were greeting one another online, and I checked on various websites.

I gathered my stuff and headed off to the airport. The dreariness was compounded by a mostly overcast sky, filled with stratocumulus clouds. Most of the leaves have fallen off the trees, and the trunks and branches stood naked and grey against the grey sky. In some places there were still leaves on the trees, but all that was left were brown leaves. The bright colors of fall had passed. The road itself exuded grayness.

From time to time their were splashes of color. Bright red tail lights, the red and blue of the flashing lights of a police car on the side of the highway. The green exit signs and yellow warning signs along add brief glimpses of color as well. Shen the sun managed to rise and break through the clouds it was a yellow sunrise without much for colors.

I had driven to the airport about a month earlier for a trip to a social media and health care conference at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. The route to the airport is fairly simple and straight forward, and I was sure I remembered the various turns. So, I didn't print out directions or enter the destination into the GPS in the cell phone.

For some reason, I thought that the exit was Exit 36. Before that exit, I started seeing signs for Bradley International Airport. Yet Exit 36 came and went, without the airport exit. I began to worry about if I had missed the exit and reached into my pocket to fish out my cell phone. However, before I could get it out and enter the airport destination, I saw a sign for Exit 40, which was the exit I was looking for.

I followed the familiar route to the airport, recognizing various signs along the way. At the airport, I proceeded to the Terminal B parking area. This is a cheap parking lot that is rarely full and is not a bad walk to Terminal A.

I followed the walkway to Terminal A, cross the street, and entered the terminal. In side, I pulled out my cell phone, checked in on Foursquare and proceeded to the ticketing booths.

The ticketing booths were up an escalator. The booths for my airline were at the other end of the terminal from where I entered so, I had more of a walk. In entered the serpentine maze of ropes leading up to the ticketing booths. In years past, I would speak with an agent to get my boarding pass. Now, the agents are replaced with kiosks. I entered my confirmation number into the kiosk and my ticket was printed out. The next stop was security.

Bradley International Airport in near Hartford is a relatively small commercial airport, and I've always made it through security fairly quickly and easily. Many of my flights are early morning flights which makes it even quicker.

Today, there was an older woman waiting in line in front of me. She had a couple large containers of fluids; hand lotions, hair conditioners. They were too large and were confiscated. This flustered the woman and further slowed down the process. I took off my shoes and emptied the contents of my pockets into one of the large grey trays. I put my computer bag in another tray and removed the computer. The weather has been warm, so I didn't have my coat. The various trays went through the Xray machine, and I walked to the scanner. Nothing beeped and I proceeded to the other side, where I gathered my belongings.

I trekked down the halls to Gate 4. My boss, who is flying with me to Las Vegas was already at the gate. He often arrives early. We sat and talked about what was going on at the office as we waited for our flight to board.

We were some of the first to board and got good seats. My boss always likes to sit on the aisle, and I always like to sit by the window, so we travel well together. It was a full flight, yet the plane boarded fairly quickly. We were fortunate that no one sat in the middle seat and a flight attended congratulated us on our good luck. I joked that perhaps it was because I don't take a shower for the week before I travel, and I often get empty seats around me.

It may well be, however, that our luck was actually due to the young woman seated with her infant across the aisle from us. Many people try to avoid sitting near a baby for fear of a long flight full of screams.

The plane headed out onto the runway. Glancing out the window, I noticed our runway number, 15-33. Runways are numbered after the points on a compass. 0, or 36, I don't remember, is the number for north. South is 18. East is 9 and west is 27. 15 would be southeast and 33 would be northwest. Depending on which way the wind is blowing, you could take off either direction and the lower number on runways always seems to be 18 less than the higher number. In some cases, an L or R is added to the runway number. This is for larger airports with parallel runways, to distinguish which is the left runway and which is the right run way.

My boss commented about how amazing it was that these heavy planes, full of heavy people could actually get off the ground. Looking out the window, I saw us head onto the runway to prepare for take off. I glanced at the lights and the familiar markings.

My mind went to the book Ridley Walker, which I had read many years ago. It was about a post apocalyptic London as the inhabitants tried to make sense of their life and their surroundings as they relearned simple things, like making charcoal.

What would inhabitants of a post apocalyptic America make of airports?

We began to roll down the runway and soon we were in the air. Outside, the gray of the morning, had given way to purplish hues. I looked down on a school with a tiny school bus pulling out of the parking lot. Beyond was a quarry with miniature toy trucks. I stream came out of the quarry and looked unnaturally shiny as if there was oil floating on the water.

Above, the stratocumulus clouds were a blanket of light gray. In places, there were holes in the blanket where the light shown down like biblical beams highlighting one area or another. In other places, the sky beneath the clouds also appeared gray and blurry as if it were raining.

As we approached the canopy of clouds, the turbulence increased. It became more pronounced as we passed through the clouds. Once we were above the clouds it briefly settled down and I looked down through holes in the clouds. We crossed a river with a bridge crossing it. I tried to guess what river it was, perhaps the Hudson? But I didn't recognize the bridge or the land formations, and couldn't be sure. Soon, the clouds closed in again, and the turbulence increased.

The flight service of snacks and drinks was delayed.

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