It is the First Sunday in Lent, when we hear the story of Jesus being tempted in the wilderness. It is St. Valentine’s Day. So much continues to be going on, it is hard to get time to sit down and write.

At Church today, the priest asked how the accuser torments us, trying to damage our relationship with God. For me, and I suspect for many, it is about not being good enough, not being worthy.

There that has been going around the Internet recently, a play on the old, give a person a fish, feed them for a day: Give a person a book and keep them entertained for a day. Teach them to write, and introduce them to a lifetime of self-doubt.

Perhaps at the core of my being, I am a writer, wracked by self-doubt. It is only recently that I’ve developed enough confidence in my poetry to share it much more widely. Even after I had a profound religious experience, I was afraid to talk with others about it, even though an important part of that experience was God expressing unimaginable love to me, even though I’ve messed up so many things in my life.

I have been afraid to call myself a Christian Mystic Poet because of the self-doubt that so many writers struggle with, because of the torments of the accuser.

It has also hampered my relationships. Growing up, the same self-doubt prevented me from expressing love. What if I’m not worthy of being loved? What if I’m not lovable? What if the person I love doesn’t love me? I suspect that torment of trying to ask a girl to dance at the junior high school dance is one that many guys experienced, and still remember today.

Yet in spite of this, I have heard God’s call to explore becoming a priest. I have answered yes. I have started talking with others about it, at first timidly, and slowly with more and more confidence. I have heard stories of friends who have gone through a similar process, only to end up heartbroken. Perhaps something similar will happen to me.

Yet I remember what people told me back in junior high school, about it being better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Perhaps, when we think about it in terms of our relationship with God, with what God is calling us to, Merton said it best,

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Today, I went to Church. I spent time with my wife. I spoke with friends online, several struggling with deep difficult issues. The accuser tells me I am not worthy of God’s love, of my wife’s love, I do not have the words to help my online neighbors, but God loves me anyway. My wife loves me anyway. While I may not have the words, God gives them.