Personal

Personal reflections, comments about things I've been doing, etc.

Personal Updates

There are many things that I should write about, but it has been a long and complicated weekend, so I will save my other posts for when my head is clearer and simply provide a bunch of personal updates right now.

Over the past few days, we’ve all been fighting various head colds. I’ve been slightly run down and congested, but have been doing okay. However, Kim has had it pretty badly and ended up going to the doctor. She is recovering, but is still low energy.

On Saturday, we were going to go up to Connecticut Underhound Railroad’s first Adoption Day. However, Kim needed to rest, so Fiona and I headed up. Soon after we got on the Merritt, the engine made whirring noise which got louder and louder. Then, all the lights came on and the engine lost power. We coasted to the next exit where we called for a tow truck. Kim came and picked us up as the car got towed to the dealer. It was a busy day at the dealer, and with Monday being Columbus Day, we won’t know the prognosis for the car until Tuesday.

The adoption day event went quite well, raising awareness of dogs in kill shelters in Connecticut as well as funds for Connecticut Underhound Railroad’s activities. We also got a bit more traffic on the website, thanks in part to a brief story in the Hartford Courant.

Today, Fiona and I went up to a family reunion in Northfield, MA. There are a bunch of different websites for tracking where you are travelling. Mostly, I use Brightkite. There is also WAYN and some others. I used WAYN to announce my trip, which cross posted to Facebook. I couldn’t find the others as I was rushing out the door. The foliage was quite nice and we took a few pictures. Various friends commented on the Facebook post about the trip which made the drive a more enjoyable social event.

At the family reunion, I shared some of the hard cider that I had been brewing which was well received. Besides two second cousins for Fiona to play with there was also a beautiful silver Labrador Retriever. We rushed home to do a special episode of Fiona’s radio show. However, we got caught in traffic and were a little bit late arriving home. Kim managed the switchboard as we arrived. Unfortunately, our special guest had gotten the wrong number so he didn’t call in until the very end of the show. So, we will try to have him call in again sometime soon.

So, the adoption day, the family reunion trip, and the show are now over. Kim is still resting, the car is in the shop and I’ll try to relax before I tackle a few more serious issues for my blog tomorrow.

(Categories: )

Carol: I will remember you



Carol and Dani, originally uploaded by Aldon.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

In the nineties, I was working as a technology manager for a large international bank. I often found myself flying to Zurich to negotiate technology strategy. New York and Zurich were more than four thousand miles and a six hour flight apart. They were cultures apart. I was working with a group of open source gunslingers committed to Unix and writing their own special programs and I was flying to a very staid Microsoft worshipping community.

To help me better navigate these waters, I hired a management consultant who had her Ph.D is psychoanalysis and specialized in a psychoanalytic understanding of groups, especially as they formed in the workplace. This appealed to my natural curiosity and I learned a lot, not only from our meetings but from so much reading that I did on the subject on the side.

I started reading the work of Wilfred Bion and attending Group Relations conferences where I participated in experiential learning in large groups. I became fascinated with how this worked itself out online.

This led me to joining several mailing lists of people working with groups, including a group psychotherapy mailing list. Many of the people on this list became close friends whom I would meet from time to time.

I often brought up aspects of online groups on the list, including discussing Second Life from time to time. It seems to me as if Second Life and related virtual worlds have the potential to be great platforms for psychodrama. As a general rule, I met opposition on these topics. However, a few people were very interested, and one actually joined Second Life and started exploring the possibilities.

We met in Second Life and explored the possibilities. I introduced her to friends in Second Life with similar interests. Then, at the 2008 American Group Psychotherapy Association (AGPA) Annual Conference, I had the opportunity to meet her face to face and have a wonderful dinner with her talking about not only Second Life and psychotherapy, but many other issues as well. We both participated in the large group at the AGPA and she encouraged my full participation, even though I was a blogger there to write, instead of a group psychotherapist honing their skills.

Then, early this year, there was the bombshell. On January 23rd, Carol checked into St. John's Mercy hospital with severe anemia. A visit to an Oncologist and some bone marrow tests revealed Acute myeloid leukemia (AML). In the message, it was predicted that the treatment would take about eight months.

Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago

I wrote my initial reactions in a blog post, The Great Dance back in February, and then again in Random Stuff about a week later. The following month there was a drive to sign up bone marrow donors in Connecticut. I realized that it was unlikely that I would be a match for Carol, or for Manny who the drive was for, but I thought I should sign up in case I could be a match for someone.

It was also during this time that Irv Stolberg died from leukemia. There was a wonderful memorial for Irv where his son singing Ben Harper’s “with my own two hands”.

I can change the world
With my own two hands
Make a better place
With my own two hands
Make a kinder place

In many ways, it seems like Irv and Carol would have been good friends and kindred spirits if they ever met.

Carol eventually found a donor, and we were optimistic. There was progress and there were set backs. In August she was back in the hospital and wrote about Graft Versus Host disease. In September, she wrote about celebrating her 63rd birthday. Then at the beginning of this week came more bad news. The leukemia was back. There were messages on CaringBridge and emails to the Group Psychotherapy mailing list. She was at home with her family and with Hospice. She was fading fast. I wrote some of my reactions on Monday.

I am standing on the edge of the water,
And I am watching the wild birds fill the sky.
And I am longing to be lifted up among them.
I am not dying, I’m getting ready to fly

The words of a great song “Getting Ready to Fly” by Calaveros comes mind. Yesterday, Carol was lifted up among the wild birds and she is flying.

During the final hours as we all waited, Peter Howie posted a wonderful collection of YouTube videos that he had watched as he processed his own anticipatory grief.

He started with Free Hugs Campaign - Official Page (music by Sick Puppies.net ) and moved on through the AMV Final Fantasy - Snow Patrol Run, a clip from Blade Runner, The Last Day On Earth Lyrics- Kate Miller-Heidke and Fortress – Dala.

To this, I add sarah mclachlan - i will remember you and Grateful Dead - Box of Rain - March 24 1986.

As I was thinking about all of this, I found A thousand words writing prompt number thirty-eight. The emptiness, looking out of a window to a box of rain captured many of the feelings I am going through right now.

Today is another beautiful sunny autumn day in Connecticut. I have a lot of work to do, but I need to take time to remember. Carol, I will remember you.

A River Runs Through It

It is a clear, bright, sunny, autumn day. I look out my office window and see the first of the leaves that have started to change. On the web, a friend has posted Late Afternoon Foliage, VT. I am low energy this morning. The weekend was filled up with celebrating Fiona’s birthday. It isn’t until Tuesday, but she spent the weekend with a friend at a water park. It was a great time, but it meant that I didn’t get a chance to join another friend to celebrate his birthday or to a political event in Hartford.

Now, I am achy, Kim is sporting a new cough which she hopes will not turn into anything more, and Fiona just hasn’t had enough sleep. I glance at the emails I have to deal with, including reminders of past financial difficulties. It feels like today will be a long day.

Fall is beautiful, especially here in New England. People travel great distances to see the beauty, but often do not see the full picture. The beauty is in the dying of the leaves. The green Chlorophyll dies, leaving the reds and yellow, which also eventually fade and the leaves turn brown and decompose.

These thoughts come to me as I read a post from another friend. She is an artist and therapist and has been fighting a long battle with leukemia. It starts off,

Hello to all of you reading this on CaringBridge. Sad news, the bone marrow biopsy done a week ago came back badly and the Leukemia is back. This cancer is very aggressive and the prognosis is very poor. In fact we are looking at a few weeks. The strange thing is I still feel those pink clouds around my feet and your love and kindness always there supporting me. Since we started on this recovery, I have been blessed by all of your kindnesses, and love. It has left me feeling like the luckiest woman on earth.

Earlier this year I lost another friend to leukemia and the sadness is palpable. I browse a few blogs before settling down. One blog asks, What is your life’s theme song? The author has chosen the theme from “A River Runs Through It”. I remember reading the story, and a great section about beer,

What a beautiful world it was once. At least a river of it was. And it was almost mine and my family’s and just a few others’ who wouldn’t steal beer. You could leave beer to cool in the river, and it would be so cold when you got back it wouldn’t foam much. It would be a beer made in the next town if the town were ten thousand or over. So it was either Kessler Beer made in Helena or Highlander Beer made in Missoula that we left to cool in the Blackfoot River. What a wonderful world it was once when all the beer was not made in Milwaukee, Minneapolis or St. Louis.

Yes, what is your life’s theme song? A river runs through it is a good choice. The river starting off as a small stream somewhere up in the mountains, coming down through turbulent whitewater, through slow moving sections past far land and ultimately out to see. A river, full of eddies, sediment and toss flotsam back and forth. It reminds me of Smetana’s Moldau,

This, mixed with words of James Joyce in Finnegan’s Wake, ""riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs."

Winter will come all too soon, icing over the river. My friend will probably die soon. She ends her post talking about planning her memorial service:

It may be a little whacky, but will be expressive of my diverse interests and beliefs. I don’t know what will actually happen, but I am sure that it will be filled with love, drums, rattles, and poetry.

Love to all of you, not knowing what comes next – we never can know that –

I pause to reflect, and now it is time to return to my work.

(Categories: )

“Don’t stop believing”

“Don’t stop believing” blared from the DJs speakers as the bridal party danced with energetic abandon. It had been a nearly perfect day for a wedding. Members of the extended family had greeted one another after a long hiatus. Life had gotten in the way and the last time different family members had seen each other had been at one of the rash of funerals several years earlier. “Til death do you part”. Others had not spoken in even a longer time because of some slight, grudge, or family feud.

The sun had beaten down on the lawn and the bay in the distance. Many people remembered sailing in these waters with the bride’s grandfather. “Perhaps when you get a boat again, you’ll keep it here,” suggested one relative. It has been years since I’ve sailed. Life had gotten in the way, as well as financial difficulties which led me to getting rid of the boat. “For richer or poorer”.

My wife and I danced a little, but not much. It seems like after she contracted Lyme disease, she’s often too sick to dance. When we do get a chance to dance, it is only briefly. Gone are the crazy car dances on the long drives to Cape Cod. “In sickness and in health.”

Yet with all of that, I thought back to our wedding. I thought of the importance of celebrating the weddings of friends and family, not only for the newlyweds, but for everyone, as an opportunity to renew our vows. I looked at the bride and grooms faces, full of hope and joy as they danced with their friends. I thought of all the struggles of this life and I looked back at the bridge and groom. The message was clear in the song playing from the loudspeakers, “Don’t stop believing.”

(Categories: )

Sadie's Dream



Rescue #54 - Sweetie, originally uploaded by Aldon.

The young pup romped along with other young strays weaving in and out of the silent procession of venerable old dogs and cats. In the distance was a magnificent edifice. It was a gleaming bridge of every color. Sadie had heard that on the other side of this rainbow bridge was a land where humans were always kind and there was always enough food to eat.

After her life on the streets of Hartford, she longed for such a place. Yet one of the wise old dogs pulled her aside. “It is not your time yet,” he said. “There are kind humans on this side of the rainbow bridge that will care for you and make sure you are well fed.”

Sadie didn’t believe it. More often than not, humans threw sticks and stones at her as they chased her away from the few garbage cans where she could find any food. “You have an important mission,” the old guard continued. “You must help humans understand the joy of saving and caring for your fellow dogs.”

At the steps of the rainbow bridge, Sadie paused. She smelled the scent of so many great dogs that had gone before. She heard voices talking about home, saying the words “forever”. She marked the corner of the bridge as the voices became louder.

Then, she awoke. She was in a cage in a new kennel. The thin blanket and her even thinner skin provided little comfort for her weary aching bones. Two new humans had entered the kennel and the other dogs were all barking, “Take ME to a forever home! Take Me! Take Me!”

Two weeks ago, she had been captured by a human in Hartford and taken to the pound. She had been there ten days; as long as any pup ever had been known to stay at the Hartford pound. She had no idea how close she had come to being forced across the rainbow bridge. Then, a male human came to the pound and picked her up. He was a kind man, and although she was excited about sitting in the front seat of a car and catching many new scents as she stuck her nose out of the passenger side window, she soon fell asleep with her head on his lap.

The pound had not been a bad place. Sure, she did not get as much attention as she craved. There was no human pups to take her romping in the fields, but for the first time in her life she had had a decent meal ten days in a row. Could this kind man be taking her to her forever home?

She was disappointed when he left her at a kennel. It was small and the humans there were very kind. The other dogs said that this was a place where people came to take you to your forever home and you could stay for longer than ten days if you had to.

The two new humans, a grown male with hair on his muzzle and a young female pup walked past the dogs that had been waiting so long at the kennel and came to Sadie’s cage. They talked with a human that had been at the kennel all day and had fed Sadie earlier in the day. They put a collar on Sadie and walked her outside on a leash. The humans seemed kind, but cautious. Would these be the humans that would take her to her forever home?

They lead her to their car. It smelled wonderful; the smell of food that young human pups often spill in their cars or on the floors of their homes. Sadie managed to score a few crumbs here and there before settling into the passenger seat. Again, her nose worked overtime as the car started rolling and she encountered a new set of smells.

The car rolled and rolled and rolled. Soon Sadie was asleep. At times she awoke, was lead out of the car where she sniffed around for a little bit before the humans got back in the car and resumed the trip. The human pup spoke kind words to Sadie and told her to dream of a home more beautiful that she ever imagined. Sadie’s dream of the rainbow bridge came back to her, as did the words of the wise old dog. Yes, there were kind humans in the world, and Sadie wondered where this adventure would take her.

After what seemed like forever, they stopped again. This time they met another human, a young female, who put a new collar and leash on her. Again, Sadie was in a car with a kind human. Again, she sniffed at the air and then fell back a sleep.

When the car stopped the next time, the human lead Sadie out of the car. They were in a land with more trees than Sadie had ever seen. The trees were not all marked or surrounded by trash and metal. The smells were wonderful and the human walked for a long time with Sadie.

Sadie felt the stress of living on the streets of Hartford disappear. She felt the stress of long car rides fade. Yes, the car rides were fun, but they were also stressful, since Sadie had no idea where they lead, and they always seemed to end up somewhere different. Her dream about the rainbow bridge came back to her. Perhaps the wise old dog was right. Perhaps she was on an important mission to help humans understand how to be kinder to dogs.

After the wonderful romp in the woods, she was lead back to the car, and this time went for a short ride where she met another kind human. The house had all the smells of a kennel, as if many dogs had come and gone. She was given a wonderful dinner, a great place to sleep and more sweet attention that she had ever been given by a human. Yes, this was the way life should be.

Note from the human with the hairy muzzle: This is my fanciful recounting of the story of rescue #54 whom my daughter and I called Sweetie as we took her from the Sadie Mae Foundation kennel in Bolton, CT up to Maine where another friend took her to a foster home.

Note: Please vote for Rescue #55, Sweetie, Sadie, or whatever her forever family ends up calling her in the Cutest Dog Ever Contest.

Syndicate content