Journey

This is about my spiritual journey and trying to find what God is calling me to next.

One Church (Fragment)

This is a post I started to write a week ago, and then set aside. It is incomplete and I hope to come back to it at a later date.

“We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church”

I thought of these words as I read about recommendations from the Anglican Primates.

“We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church”

I thought of these words as I read discussions of the coming General Conference of the United Methodist Church.

“We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church”

I thought of these words as I read about a Pan-Orthodox council meeting.

“We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church”

I thought about these words as I read about the Pope changing the Holy Thursday decree to include all people of God.

Last weekend, I participated in the Trinity Institute Sacred Conversations for Racial Justice.

What does it mean to be one holy catholic and apostolic church? Eastern Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Anglican, and so many others? What does it mean to be one holy catholic and apostolic church? Male, female, cisgendered, transgendered, straight, gay? Black, white, and all the wonderful hues in between?

What does it mean to be one holy catholic and apostolic church? Oppressor and oppressed?

What does it mean to be one holy catholic and apostolic church? Militant, penitent, and triumphant?

Perhaps some of the answer comes in the first line of the creed which starts the same way, “We believe in one …”

“We believe in One God.” Perhaps the mystery of the Trinity, One God in Three persons, can tell us a little bit about the mystery of the church.

Perhaps some of the answer comes in the theology about Christ being fully human and fully divine.

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Post Structural Discernment?

For discernment committee for Thursday evening, we are asked,

“You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” - Psalm 139
Reflect on that verse. How has and is God calling you to use your gifts for the kingdom? How do you understand the priesthood of all believers?

Additional question for nominee: Why do you feel called to exercise your gifts as an ordained leader?

Spend time sharing each others spiritual autobiographies orally or in written form.

So, I’ve been looking at Psalm 139 from a bunch of different angles. It starts off talking about how God knows us better than we can understand. Later, it talks about how there is no escaping from God. In the middle of this is the verse we are invited to think about.

I suspect many may focus on what it is like to have God’s hand laid upon us and two images come to mind. One is of God taking us by the scruff of the neck, similar to how a mother cat carries kittens. Staying with the feline image, I think of God’s hand being laid upon us, in a manner similar to how we pat a kitten, which I imagine must feel pleasurable and comforting to the kitten.

I think back to when I most vividly felt God calling me. All of those feelings were there. It was as if God were picking me up by the scruff of the neck, and setting me on the course I am intended for. In that was a very strong sense of God’s overwhelming love.

Yet the first part of the verse especially jumps out at me, to be hemmed in. The connotations are of being surrounded like a besieged city. God has surrounded us and is besieging us, to get us to say yes to God’s love.

Thinking again to those times of feeling closest to God, it seems like a good way to describe the feeling is of being wrapped up in a warm blanket of great love, almost like a spiritual swaddling blanket. Recently, I heard another person talking about feeling God’s presence that way, and I thought, “Yes, that person is describing the same feeling.”

This overwhelming love is not some special feeling given to special people at special times. Instead, it seems, it is more like the water that surrounds fish in the story of “This is water.” “This is God’s Love” It is around us all the time, but too often, in our struggles, in our distractions, in the grind of daily life, we don’t notice it. To me, this captures a key aspect of the priesthood of all believers. We are all hemmed in by this amazing love. We are all called to proclaim this love to those around us.

So why do I believe God is calling me to proclaim this love as an ordained priest? That is what I’m exploring, trying to figure out. I suspect it has something to do with metaphors and sacraments. What are the outward and visible signs of God’s overwhelming love for us? The bread and wine of the Eucharist? The water of baptism? The kind words of a blessing? A smile?

How do we understand and share signs of God’s love in post structuralist twenty first century digital culture (without going all academic and losing everyone and the love along the way)?

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Spiritual Autobiographies

This weekend, I participated in the Trinity Institute conference, Sacred Conversations for Racial Justice which left me with much to think about. One of the speakers made frequent references to Counter Memory and there was a lot of discussion about hearing different histories and herstories in an effort to undo racism, to change the narrative about race and the stereotypes around race.

I thought about where I am in my own personal narrative. This coming Thursday my discernment committee will meet. It is part of the process, potentially leading to ordination as a priest in the Episcopal Church. For this coming Thursday, we are supposed to discuss our spiritual autobiographies. I wrote a short version of this for my meeting with Bishop Ian and some of the members of the Commission on Ministry last fall.

Can I share it online? How does my spiritual story relate to using Counter Memory to undo racism? Can we, as individuals telling our stories shift the master narrative about race in America? What about shifting the narratives around class, mental illness, spirituality?

In the past, I’ve written about my discernment process and my hope to live out some of that process online.

The 2015 ECCT Discernment Manual has these instructions for this session.

“You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” - Psalm 139
Reflect on that verse. How has and is God calling you to use your gifts for the kingdom? How do you understand the priesthood of all believers?

Additional question for nominee: Why do you feel called to exercise your gifts as an ordained leader?

Spend time sharing each others spiritual autobiographies orally or in written form.

So, I’m sharing a short version of my spiritual autobiography here. I invite others to join in the discussion.

Being At The Right Place #TI2016

“It is quite an extraordinary thing to be at the right place.” This is the thought that came over me last night as I was driving home from the fist evening of Trinity Institute 2016. Let me explain what I mean, and how I got there.

Perhaps we can start with a little contrast. However have we heard about someone being at the wrong place at the wrong time, when something really bad has happened? It seems we hear that a lot more than we hear about someone being at the right place at the right time.

Yet place is more than just geographic. There is a poem about being at this place, which I can’t recall. It is mixed together with Eucharistic Prayer C, “the vast expanse of interstellar space, galaxies, suns, the planets in their courses, and this fragile earth, our island home.” It seems like it comes from T.S. Eliot, but I can’t find the quote. Instead, I stumble across the end of Four Quartets

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

Perhaps it is from a poem by Denise Levertov instead. It is a digression to think about poets and place, but some of how I got to this place involves poetry.

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.

Yesterday, a friend posted about her son saying “yes” repeatedly and contrasting it with her studies in linguistic geography. Her ancestors came from a place that doesn’t say simply yes. They affirm with different, longer phrases. I don’t know the cultural or linguistic reasons for this, but it is something I’ve often echoed. I’ve always been very cautious about saying yes. You never really know what you are being asked to say yes to. If someone asks if I can do something, I usually respond, “It depends, what do you have in mind?”

I usually end up doing what’s been requested, so much so that my boss recently asked me if ‘no’ is ever in my vocabulary. But how do we truly say ‘yes’?

The poem by e.e.cummings comes to mind; “i thank You God for most this amazing”

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

I’ve often seen this in terms of fully saying ‘yes’ to God, something that, at least for me, has always been a challenge. Yet this ‘yes’ is part of being at the right place.

A year ago, I ended up at a conference on poetry at Yale Divinity School. At one moment during a guided meditation, I finally said ‘yes’, with all the joy, fear, and uncertainty that it contains. It was one of those moments of being at the right place.

Years ago, I studied Calvinism, and I often think back to the ‘TULIP’. Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace, and Perseverance of the Saints. I have issues with parts of this, but being at the right place, for me, is tied to ‘Irresistible Grace’.

God’s Grace was irresistible during that guided meditation, and again last night.

It is easy to be caught up in the concerns of the day and miss being at the right place. Last night was a great example. I was watching the livestream with about a dozen people in a large room at The Commons, the meeting space of The Episcopal Church in Connecticut.

I ran into Karin Hamilton, the Canon for Mission Communication & Media. I had worked with her to set up the The Episcopal Church in Connecticut’s first web page, back in the early to mid 90s. We talked a little about that, and my current journey. I met the other folks attending. Several were wearing the collars of priests.

I had wondered if I should bring my laptop, which I did, and I set it up so I could live tweet some of the evening. I love live tweeting. It is a way to take note, be involved, and also share the message. Yet it can also prevent us from being fully present and be part of our defense against being vulnerable, in the moment.

The stream did not work reliably. Having streamed conferences for work, I know what a fiasco this can be, as people sit around nervously waiting for things to get fixed. I tweeted about it and found that others across the country were having same experience and responding in different ways. People shared ideas of trying to fix the problem. Folks at Trinity Church spoke about dealing with their streaming provider to get the problem fixed, and there was humor.

The topic for this year’s Trinity Institute is “Sacred Conversations for Racial Justice”. It started with a church service, and as I listened to the Kyrie loop and repeat in the livestream, I tweeted “I didn't mind the Kyrie repeating. It's the patterns of racism repeating that I find most frustrating.”

Another person tweeted, “I must say, all this skipping around in the Eucharistic Prayer lends some Cubist re-interpretations.” As some mixture of linguist, technologist, exploring the priesthood, that phrase jumped out at me. As we re-imagine The Episcopal Church in twenty-first century, it seems like a digital cubist re-interpretation of church and our relationship to God is called for. I hope to come back to this in later writings.

One person tweeted, “Our plan @CentralLuthMPLS in Minneapolis is to watch the sermon now and then tomorrow watch the keynote during lunch.” I mentioned this where I was and we decided that instead of trying to understand a digital cubist re-interpretation of the keynote, we would join with our brothers and sisters in Minneapolis and watch the on demand version of Bishop Curry’s sermon and then later, ideally, on our own in the morning before Friday’s sessions, try to watch, or at least listen to, the keynote.

I’m glad we did. The digital cubist version of Bishop Curry’s sermon was very interesting, and I’m glad I got to see that, but the on demand uninterrupted stream was amazing, and also deserves at least a blog post of its own.

Afterwards, we held hands and prayed.

God was there, palpable.

We have a lot to do, to fix the broken livestream of racism, where harmful patterns keep repeating. Yet at the same time, a pattern of hope is there, repeating like the Ripples of Hope Robert Kennedy spoke about years ago.

For me, exploring poetry, technology, activism, and vocation, it was the right place, and I repeated to God, “Yes”, whatever that may lead to.

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Thoughts on Slow Church Introduction

Random thoughts about the introduction to the book Slow Church, which I'm slowly reading and sharing thoughts about online.:

Ritzer identified four dimensions of McDonaldization: efficiency, predictability, calculability (quantifiable results) and control.

Let me start off with calculability. I often bristle at the ideas that the only things that matter is what is calculable. When I think about calculability, Ephesians 3 comes to mind

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Likewise, when I think of predictability, the old phrase, “How do you make God laugh? Make plans.” comes to mind. Much of my focus for this year is to seek the unexpected.

I have more room in my life for efficiency and self-control.

The principles of the Slow Food movement are good, clean and fair. We’ve reimagined them here as ethics, ecology and economy.

As I think about economy, I think of Thoreau’s Walden. How does Thoreau’s economy relate to the economy of Slow Church? I suspect there is an important relationship there.

So, on the one hand, I feel predisposed to like the book. Yet at the same time, I am cautious. I think of a quote from Siddhartha, to the effect that no one gains enlightenment by following another person’s teaching. I think of The Life of Brian, where Brian tells the gathered crowd, “You are all individuals”, and they all chant back, in unison, “We are all individuals.”

I think of a great quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Meek young men grow up in libraries believing it their duty to accept the views which Cicero, which Locke, which Bacon have given, forgetful that Cicero, Locke and Bacon were only young men in libraries when they wrote those books.”

It all leads me back to a favorite Psalm:

Unless the Lord builds the house,
the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the guards stand watch in vain.

So, I’m looking forward to see to what extent this book will help me, and others to “be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God”.

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