"Love is but a song we sing..."
Submitted by Aldon Hynes on Sun, 04/24/2005 - 20:14
Back when I was still married to my first wife and my eldest daughter was still a toddler, I attended a wedding in Long Island. I was at an age in my life where there was nothing unusual about attending weddings. I was going to an Episcopalian church where many people my age were getting married. As good Episcopalians we were used to boldly proclaiming the affirmation when we were asked if we would do all in our power to support the new couple.
Most of us moved on from those days in New York City and I wonder how many of my friends are still married and how well all of us have done in our support of these couples.
I had gotten married a few years earlier and like so many people my married life mirrored the married life of my parents. I don’t remember seeing much joy or tenderness in my parent’s marriage and I suspect that neither my ex nor I look back at our marriage as having much tenderness or joy. It isn’t surprising that both my marriage and my parent’s marriage ended in divorce.
The wedding on Long Island could have come straight out of the social register. Two young and extremely successful Wall Street professionals, with great lineage, were getting married at one the finest country clubs on Long Island. So, there I was, a child of Ethan Frome attending a Great Gatsby wedding.
A few years later, my friends gave birth to their first and only daughter. My wife at the time stood up at the baptism to become the godmother and promised to do all in her power to make sure the baby would be brought up in the Christian faith.
Alas, neither my first marriage, nor my friend’s marriage turned out the way we had dreamed during those early days. When my marriage fell apart, I was devastated. The pain seemed overwhelming, like it was coming out of some combination of Prozac Nation, Darkness Visible and I Know This Much is True
I know that it couldn’t have been much fun for my daughters at that point in my life. I wasn’t a lot of fun to be around. They needed to grow up quickly, taking more responsibility for their own lives than children should have to take at their age. However, one thing my ex and I agreed to and have struggled hard maintain was not to say anything negative about the other parent in front of the children.
Now, my ex and I have both remarried. I learned a lot from the mistakes of my first marriage and I hope that my ex has learned a lot as well. In my new marriage, I have found, and sought to keep vibrant the joy and tenderness that had been lacking from so much of my earlier life. I also learned the importance of trying to changes oneself and the folly of trying to change others.
All of this provides the backdrop for this weekend. My friends’ daughter is now about twelve. Her school vacation started Friday evening and her parents have been fighting over how she will spend her time.
We live in a society that tells us not to get involved. As noted above, I learned from my divorce not to try and change other people, but only to try and change myself. Also, I’m no psychologist, so I have all kinds of reasons to not get involved. However, the father wanted me to come with him to pick up his daughter, and even though their marriage has ended, I still feel that my vows to support them still have meaning.
The daughter did not want to go with her father. They talked, he waited, he cajoled. Eventually, she came out and had ice cream with him. He continued to press his case for her spending time with him and she continued to protest.
I spoke about my experiences, what it was like to be a father not getting enough time to be with his daughter. I talked about my pain. I talked about how my ex and I had agreed never to say anything negative about each other in front of our children and I encouraged the girl not to tolerate either parent saying something negative about the other. I spoke about how communications had broken down and the girl, unfairly, was needed to be more mature and help improve communications between everyone.
Did she hear what I said? Did her father? I don’t know. I feel sorry for her. The battle between her parents is getting fought out in her. She ends up experiencing much of the hatred and anger and her parents are using up too much of their great skills attacking one another instead of trying to find a common ground and an ability to make their lives better.
Is this a parallel to what is going on in our country or in our world? I don’t know. That would be another long post. However, as I finished writing this and reflecting on all the strife that I am seeing in so many places, I stop and ask myself, “What is worse than being young and idealistic?” Perhaps, it is getting older and cynical as you painfully fight to hold on to the hopes and dreams for a better world.
I agree. Getting older and cy
Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 04/24/2005 - 21:57.I agree. Getting older and cynical is worse. But you haven't succumbed.
Maybe that's the story. You don't have to give up, you can keep trying. You've got to keep trying. Everyone does.
MaxedOutMama
That was a partiularly though
Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 04/24/2005 - 23:34.That was a partiularly thoughtful and touching post. I have never been here before but I will most definitely be back. I feel lucky to have never been fought over. My parents had a great marriage. My husband's parents were divorced and I know that for the child it is hell to be caught in the middle. Good for you for coming to an agreement with your ex.
By the way, Michele sent me.
Raehan
http://gotnik.blogspot.com
Michele sent me and I'm glad
Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 04/24/2005 - 23:41.Michele sent me and I'm glad she did. I've been here before, and I'll be back.
--Mamacita
Hello, Michele sent me
Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 04/24/2005 - 23:53.That was, indeed, a very thoughtful and, for me, a heartbreaking post. I was that young girl with the divorcing parents at one point in my life, and I would never wish that heartbreak on my own children, or anyone else's. I hope your friend and his daughter heard your words, and will heed them.
Oh yes, and Hello, Michele sent me.
God bless,
LadyBug
http://ladybug4791.tripod.com/ladybug/
Some thoughts on my own marriage and children
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 00:10.This entry is very thoughful and caring -- especially since I know the young lady and her father and I have seen the pain that they are both going through. I'm lucky enough that my parents had a very practical divorce -- there may have been tension between my parents, but they tried to accomodate each other and had respect for each other.
But that's not what I really want to say. By trying to be a better person, I am a better person -- a better father, and a better husband -- than I otherwise would be. My parents were good, with flaws: I aim to also be good, but if not with fewer flaws, at least they are different flaws. Where I feel my parents could have done better, I try to do better, and where they did well, I try to do well, too.
divorced dads
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 01:17.At least you attempt to spend time with your children. My daughter's ex-husband has moved 3000 miles away and never calls their children anymore. The little ones, ages 11,8(Twins) and 5, cannot understand why their father has deserted them. It is pitiful to hear them talk about it.
Michele sent me.
Hi! Michelle sent me. I've
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 01:54.Hi! Michelle sent me.
I've been through divroce as well, and have two sons. That was many years ago and I'm happy to say that despite the bitterness my ex and I experienced, especially surrounding custody battles, the kids have turned out great. Like you, my ex and I agreed not to rag on each other around the kids. Funny, that's about all we ever agreed on. Had we stayed married we would have celebrated our 31st anniversary last February. He went on to find his true love, and I did too. Over time it's easier to admit we were just kids who shouldn't have married in the first place. Time has also given us a great sense of humor about it all. That's the best thing.
The Incurable Insomniac
Hello, Michele sent me
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 02:43.Wow,
I too am divorced, and think something is terribly wrong in our society.
I just ordered the book Love and Responsibility by Karol Wjotyla JP2.
HI . Michele sent me. What a
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 06:39.HI . Michele sent me. What a heartfelt post! I'm glad that you and your ex managed to put your daughter's well being ahead of your personal issues.
Sarcasmom http://www.sarcasmoscorner.com/wedsoff/
Hello, Michele sent me. So s
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 07:10.Hello, Michele sent me. So sad. But I think you're doing all the right things. Not easy though.
Zinnia Cyclamen
http://realefun.blogspot.com
Good morning. Michele sent m
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 08:08.Good morning. Michele sent me. I admire you for talking frankly with your friend about this delicate subject and I hope that he is able to hear you through his pain and anger and do what's right for his daughter. She may not be in a place where she can hear you yet, but she can only benefit from having a trusted adult to tell her these sorts of things.
terrilynn
cross-fire
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 10:31.So sad that a 12-year old should need to call her parents on their misbehavior. Not fair. Good for you for speaking up. We complain about kids growing up too quickly these days... well, look what we're expecting of (some of) them. Great post!
Michele sent me... hope you have a terrific day!
Marie
http://practigal.typepad.com
Love Is But A Song We Sing...
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 10:51.Amen to that.
Hi - Michele sent me.
Megan
thecolorpurple.blogspot.com
Hello, Michele sent me! So I
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 12:32.Hello, Michele sent me! So I must remember to thank her for that...first time visitor here.
I'll be back, and often.
aka_monty
I was just here via SC&A, but
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 12:42.I was just here via SC&A, but didn't comment till Michele sent me back. You make some excellent points, the most important being that parents CAN make the divorce easier (not easy) on their children by being civil. My brother-in-law's ex-wife was positively vindictive, and now seems surprised that their son has chosen to live with his dad full-time.
Bluegrass Mama
reply
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 13:25.Hey, quickly scanning you in NY!? I will bookmark you to read later! Michele sent me BTW
Mrs. Mogul
http@//mrsmogul.blogspot.com
I so often feel badly for those that...
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 13:26....didn't have a good marriage to model. I do believe that part of the reason I am happily married is because my parents loved each other and let us all see that love. (Well, don't be gross, I don't mean THAT!)
I think it is brave for you to have said what you did. Good for you. I do believe it takes a village.
BTW, Michele sent me!
Angie
http://rocksandgarbage.blogspot.com/
I'm back
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 15:29.I was here before, but I came back...
I was just thinking about this again as I was driving. You know, I think that even if they didn't "hear" you / absorb what you said, I bet it'll resonate with both of them later. Good on you, as the Aussies say!
Marie
http://practigal.typepad.com
I hope your friends heard wha
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 16:42.I hope your friends heard what you said. Plus: Hi, Michele sent me!
Well Said
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 17:04.Hi, Michele sent me...and dang I'm glad she did. That was incredibly well thought out and said. I've had to sit back and watch friends' marriages implode, and bite my tongue at what happens to the kids. And sadly, when people ask advice, they generally only want to be told theyre right, so anything I had to say fell on deaf ears.
I *really* hope your friend and his daughter not only listened, but heard you.
Thumper
good post
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 21:38.I really enjoyed the thought and ideas brought out in your post. I know that young and idealistic feeling along with that older and cynical dredge. I just hope I realize the world is the same today as it was 20, 50, 100 and 1000 years ago. There are dreams, hopes, evils, horrors and everything in-between.
I get really down now and then when I see a lot of bad news then I realize we never had this much communication capability and it's really just me seeing more things wrong and it's not as bad as it appears. As a matter of fact it is a growing pain that can lead to so much being so much better in our society. It's the think we do even as a small family or group; we don't want to see those things that are wrong or bother us and when we realize they are real it's depressing. The good thing is we actually faced them and the opportunity is now there to make things better. Hoping and dreaming until the day I'm gone... Ok done with my ranting and thanks for the great post you made!
Hello, Michele sent me
good post
Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 21:41.Ooops, I don't like to be anon...the "good post" below was written by BlogCruiser
good post
I really enjoyed the thought...
Love is....
Submitted by Tammy on Mon, 04/25/2005 - 21:42.What a totally wonderful post. I've seen similiar situations (my daughter's best friend's parents are going through a divorce) and it just breaks my heart. I myself had parents who divorced, and they never had anything good to say about each other. I'm so glad that I'm in a happy marriage, raising (I hope) well rounded children.
Michele sent me, but I'll surely be back...I really like your thinking.