Archive - Feb 2016
February 18th
Finish Later
Submitted by Aldon Hynes on Fri, 02/19/2016 - 00:12This evening, I went to hear Jonatha Brooke at The Kate in Old Saybrook. It is very late, too late for me to try and write anything very coherent, but I want to get down some of my thoughts, even if I’ll need to finish them later.
One of the songs she sang was parts of some of Woody Guthrie’s writing, including one with the words, “Finish Later” at the bottom. When I heard that, I knew that would be, at least part of my quick evening post.
It seems like more and more of my writing is falling into the finish later category, ideas for blog posts, parts of poems.
It made me think of a poem by Billy Collins about unfinished poems by Paul Valery, January in Paris. These partial memories make me think of another poem by Billy Collins, Forgetfulness.
But this is a digression. Another song Jonatha Brooke sang was about her mother as the Alzheimer’s took hold. “Are you getting this down?” her mother would ask her. I’m trying to get some of my reactions to this evening’s music down.
One of the things she spoke about between songs was about that doubt that wracks all writers. I touched on this doubt in a recent blog post talking about Lent and The Accuser. It relates to my daughter’s book, Don’t Make Art, Just Make Something. I’m sure there is material here for me to explore in my discernment process. Where does art, being a creator created in the image of The Creator, yet tormented by doubt about being good enough, a good enough writer, among other things, fit in?
One other song she sang was about when her mother went into hospice and she wasn’t ready. She sang about The Last Call, and Red Molly’s song “The Last Call” came to mind. Poetry, music, art, woven together with doubt, uncertainty, reconnecting art to daily life, reconnecting spirituality to art and to daily life.
There is so much more that needs to be written about all of this, when I’m not over tired, when I have more time. So this, too, will end with
Finish Later.
February 17th
The Common Journey
Submitted by Aldon Hynes on Wed, 02/17/2016 - 20:59Here we choose to seek God
in step with others,
even though not always in common with others –
each of us on an apparently separate path
and yet all of us in veritable community
with one another on the way –
as lifelines,
as mentors,
as guides,
as models,
as brothers and sisters in whose loving company
we choose to make our common journey to God.
Our Lenten study group is reading The Monastery of The Heart by Joan Chittister and that passage from our reading yesterday really jumped out at me. I am spending a lot of time thinking about my journey, try to discern, with the help of others where my path is leading.
Early on in the present leg of my spiritual journey, a friend spoke with me about the Camino de Santiago, the great pilgrimage in northern Spain that seekers have travelled for centuries. The stories I read of the pilgrimage frequently spoke of being a common community, while not always travelling together.
I’ve been thinking about the online component of my journey: this blog, various other blogs, mailing lists, Facebook Groups; a spiritual rhizome, to build off the idea of a group of digital higher education pedagogues I hang out with online.
Somewhere in this crowd, are the poets, the mystics, the post-structuralists, all making a common journey, no matter how much they recognize the commonality and no matter how different the languages are.
Somewhere in all of this, is the rule of life, from St. Benedict, echoed by Joan Chittister, and providing a framework for the journey. Somewhere in all of this is the writing of Wilfred Bion looking at how groups work together, and the ideas growing out of this around primary tasks, roles, boundaries, authority, and to return to St. Benedict, humility.
Somewhere in all of this is the homeless man, who’s had a rough life, knows he should deal with his drinking problem, and is struggling with God. Somewhere in all of this is the victim of domestic violence, who lost her son to cancer, and is struggling with Allah.
This Lent, I am seeking to spend more time studying, praying, and listening. There doesn’t seem to be enough time, so a bracket in Lent Madness slips by unattended. A blog post gets scrimped on. Hours of sleep are cut short.
And still, I make my journey.
February 16th
Evening Reflections
Submitted by Aldon Hynes on Tue, 02/16/2016 - 22:39It was after nine when I got home, so I’m pretty tired, too tired to write in detail about the things I’ve been thinking about recently. So, I’ll mention them briefly and perhaps expound on some of them in more detail later.
Last night and this morning, my commutes were lengthened by icy weather. It is much warmer now.
I’ve been returning to the idea of being in the world, but not off the world, being a participant observer. of contemplation and action. I think of Christ as fully human and fully divine, our great bi-vocational high priest and wonder about being fully in my spiritual journey, while at the same time being fully in my daily life and work.
Part of my Lenten study is reading The Monastery of the Heart by Joan Chittister. It is the book we are reading at church. In preparation, I listened to The Rule of St. Benedict (off of Librivox) as part of my commute. We had a good discussion, and I look forward to how all of these come together.
But, it is time for bed.
February 15th
Ice Pellets
Submitted by Aldon Hynes on Mon, 02/15/2016 - 21:23The ice pellets continue to fall as I sit in my large stuffed chair after a long drive home. It is supposed to change over to rain later, but for now, the roads are very slippery.
I was exhausted when I left the office. I was thinking of writing a blog post talking about Christian Wiman’s “My Bright Abyss” and Death, the Prosperity Gospel and Me, perhaps as they relate to various discussions about people I’ve been talking with recently. Yet I wasn’t sure I had the energy to write about it. In fact, I was tired enough to simply dread the drive home.
I didn’t put on music or a book on tape as I drove, like I often do. I just drove. It was a good thing, because the roads just got worse and worse. Soon, it was taking all my mental energy just to drive. There was the adrenaline of driving in the slippery conditions, and that got me home safely, but as I ate dinner and the adrenaline wore off, the fatigue returned.
So, there won’t be great insights this evening. I’ll simply head off to bed and see what tomorrow brings.
February 14th
The Accuser
Submitted by Aldon Hynes on Sun, 02/14/2016 - 21:43It is the First Sunday in Lent, when we hear the story of Jesus being tempted in the wilderness. It is St. Valentine’s Day. So much continues to be going on, it is hard to get time to sit down and write.
At Church today, the priest asked how the accuser torments us, trying to damage our relationship with God. For me, and I suspect for many, it is about not being good enough, not being worthy.
There that has been going around the Internet recently, a play on the old, give a person a fish, feed them for a day: Give a person a book and keep them entertained for a day. Teach them to write, and introduce them to a lifetime of self-doubt.
Perhaps at the core of my being, I am a writer, wracked by self-doubt. It is only recently that I’ve developed enough confidence in my poetry to share it much more widely. Even after I had a profound religious experience, I was afraid to talk with others about it, even though an important part of that experience was God expressing unimaginable love to me, even though I’ve messed up so many things in my life.
I have been afraid to call myself a Christian Mystic Poet because of the self-doubt that so many writers struggle with, because of the torments of the accuser.
It has also hampered my relationships. Growing up, the same self-doubt prevented me from expressing love. What if I’m not worthy of being loved? What if I’m not lovable? What if the person I love doesn’t love me? I suspect that torment of trying to ask a girl to dance at the junior high school dance is one that many guys experienced, and still remember today.
Yet in spite of this, I have heard God’s call to explore becoming a priest. I have answered yes. I have started talking with others about it, at first timidly, and slowly with more and more confidence. I have heard stories of friends who have gone through a similar process, only to end up heartbroken. Perhaps something similar will happen to me.
Yet I remember what people told me back in junior high school, about it being better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Perhaps, when we think about it in terms of our relationship with God, with what God is calling us to, Merton said it best,
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Today, I went to Church. I spent time with my wife. I spoke with friends online, several struggling with deep difficult issues. The accuser tells me I am not worthy of God’s love, of my wife’s love, I do not have the words to help my online neighbors, but God loves me anyway. My wife loves me anyway. While I may not have the words, God gives them.
